Do You Know Why You Chose The Mate You Just Divorced
In our youth, our inexperience does not permit us to foster quality relationships. We lean on our rather sketchy experience and make decisions on reasons that are hidden within us. We avoid clues that more mature folks can see quite clearly. For example, I decided to marry my first wife based on a decision of which I had no conscious awareness.
After my divorce, I went to see a psychologist and I gave her the background and then I asked her, “I want to know what I did wrong.” I’d see her every once in a while for about six months. We’d talk, explore things, and then it all came together. It all clicked.
During one of our sessions, she said “Weaker women are drawn to you, Len, because you’re a strong men.”.” By weaker she meant insecure. We all know people who are insecure and the more insecure they are, the less fun they are to be around. They tend to project their insecurities on other people.
I’m not a psychologist, but I got it. I learned something about me. I looked back and realized I dated many women who were insecure. I now see that I felt drawn toward being needed and that I played an active role in that.
After that, I had a heightened awareness about what had prompted me to marry my first wife and I made a far better choice after that because I did not want a second divorce.
There are lots of factors that can play into why you make the decisions you do, and there are lots of ways to recognize when your spouse is cheating on you. Here is a list of clues for you:
- There are missing chunks of time in his schedule
- The reasons given for the missing chunks doesn’t ring true inside you
- You no longer spend the same amount of quality time together
- You are discouraged from ever answering their cell phone
- He/she doesn’t want to have sex with you any more (or as often)
- He/she doesn’t say loving things to you
- His/her blink rate increases when they talk to you.
Now this last one deserves some explaining as the rest are pretty obvious. When an individual has a very slow blink rate, this is often a sign that he or she has a fear of abandonment. “If I close my eyes, you’ll be gone!” When an individual has a very fast blink rate, this is often a sign of engulfment, and is frequently a sign that they are lying. “If I close my eyes, you’ll go away and I won’t have to deal with you.”
Sometimes, when an individual is lying, he/she cannot look at you at all. This clue belongs in the same category as rapid eye blinking. If he touches his face, behind his ears etc with his hands, this is another symbol of lying. He would never touch his heart while lying. When guilty, your spouse will become defensive. An honest person takes the offensive stance. Sometimes, an answer is delayed when the person is lying. Women lie to make others feel good. Men lie to make themselves look good. Investigators working for the police are trained to observe the rate of eye blinking and eye movement so that they know when someone is lying. You should be so savvy yourself in order to prevent yet another divorce.
There’s an old saying that “Winners never cheat and cheaters never win.” There’s a lot of truth in that old proverb. Once your trust is destroyed by the lying of your spouse, it’s very difficult to conjure it up again. I hope these few words help you to build and maintain a quality relationship so that you can marry well the second time and never go through divorce again.
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